Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Random Junk (& A Beat Down)

1. My scale is on the fritz right now and I'm too cheap to contemplate buying a new one.  Plus I am secretly hoping it fixes itself.  So I am judging all my progress by how clothes feel.  Five and a half weeks ago when I started back on this exercise adventure all of my pants were ridiculous.  They were so tight that not only did my back fat (of which I have plenty) roll over them creating a full on tide of blubber they also managed to create the most massive muffin top.  In addition to that they left huge red marks around my belly and I was worried about buttons flying off and smacking people when I attempted to sit down without splitting them wide open. 

This has been the first week my pants have fit (well almost, just a little squeezing and some wiggle wiggle wiggle) and that is very exciting.  My waist is definitely getting smaller.  Insert round of applause here.  However, because of all the running while my waist is shrinking, my quads are exploding.  I've always had really big legs for a girl and huge legs for a girl who runs as much as I do.  My legs just get a bit confused, when I run more, they don't get smaller, they bulk up.  I start looking like a weight lifting, tackling, professional middle linebacker.  So while the waist of pants finally fit me, it becomes a chore to find pants that will go over my thighs without my legs straight blowing them out Hulk style.  When it comes down to it, I'd rather have a smaller waist and big runners legs than more fat than a Super Sized McDonalds meal sitting on my waist.  So I guess I'll be Hulking up.
2. On a run last night through a one mile park loop, which has two lanes of traffic both going the same direction as it is one way street, a car literally wanted to run T and I over.  The car came speeding right at us and then even though there was nobody in the other lane it refused to scoot over at all.  It just kept barreling straight towards us.  Eventually instead of inching over, even though there was an ENTIRE empty lane, it slowed down while coming right at us. 

Then at the last minute instead of deciding to hit us… it Stopped.  Stopped dead in its tracks about 5 feet in front of us.  Still in our lane without moving over even a few feet.  Remember here people, in case you forgot, there is huge open lane right next to us and no other cars on the road.  So I have a choice to make.  Usually I would just run all the way around the idiot car into the other lane myself.  However, tonight this was pissing me off more than a child pulling everything off the shelf in Target while its parents just watch (discipline your kids people).
 So I stepped it up, ran straight at the car, which was now about 4 feet in front of me at a dead stop, and with one hand motioned it to move over to the other lane with a little wave.  First of all, we were running in the ghetto so thank the lord I didn't get shot, nobody came out of the car to beat me down, etc.  Then, the car finally pulled around us while flipping us the middle finger the entire time.  Really car.  Really?!?  Here I am running, trying to do something healthy for myself, you can't even respect that enough to scoot over a couple feet and you are going to be nasty to me.  I'm taking bets people.  I'll wager $20 that person has never been a walker, jogger, runner, biker and doesn't exercise.  Angry unhealthy person, I have news for you, continue to be a hateful b*t&% while others exercise, but we will live longer and (obviously) happier lives.   That's the best revenge.

3.  Dear Creepy Stinky Roommate,
            In the 7 months you have lived here you have yet to buy toilet paper, paper towels, napkins, etc.  Yet you use more of them than I do.  I am not your mom and I do not provide for your weird, anti-social self on my teacher's salary.  I have tried leaving rolls empty and waiting for you to replace them, but apparently you'll wait forever and start using every other paper product in its place.  That's it.  Stop it!  Stop using things I purchase if you are NEVER going to help contribute.  I understand not using toilet paper might be a problem, but really you probably can't smell worse than you already do.  Also, I don't even know how you go through that many paper towels since you are constantly leaving messes that I have to clean up while you're locked in your room on the phone for the 10th hour of the day.  That's it, you're cut off.
A woman on the verge (of flipping out, hiding all the paper products, beating down your door,…),
P.S.- You are not Hansel or Gretel stop leaving a Cheerios trail everywhere you go.  My condo is only 800 square feet, while I know you are not the sharpest tool in the shed, I promise that it is too small for even you to get lost inside. 

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