Monday, May 7, 2012

Unintentional Thong

Health is more than just about eating healthy and exercising, it's about letting some awkward man look at your va-jay-jay.  Wait, what?!?  So today it was time for my yearly skin cancer screening something I do religiously each year as my pale skin does not do well in the sun and sprouts moles like Kim Kardashian sprouts new men.  (Side note - according to my reliable, US Weekly, sources she is already talking about marriage again, hello crazy.  You aren't even divorced yet!) 

So when I went to the dermatologist's office I was expecting the nice, female, nurse practioner who usually does my screenings.  However, in walks the doctor who sliced big chunks of my skin off (6 to be exact).  FYI- I lie and tell people the scars are from a bar fight, way more amusing.  There is something about him that just never quite clicked with me, I'm sure he is a great doctor and all, but I really didn't want to be sitting in my stylish, freezing cold bed sheet in front of some strange dude.  However, there I was.
Is that a tie on the gown, a belt for a piece of paper?
The exam was beyond weird.  I was in only my bra and underwear and he would pull my bottoms way out in the back and then peak down the crack between them instead of just sliding them down which basically meant my underwear, which are a bit tight since the weight gain, were yanked backwards into my girl parts creating a backwards thong!  Then he pulled up the bottom half of my bra to look at my boob and then yanked down the top part, like not seeing my boob all at once, but in two pieces made it any different.  I bet the girls who work there do screenings in the same way, I am just not used to man doctors, or strange men seeing my girly parts, so I was over analyzing how uncomfortable it was the whole time.   
Be sure to get check if any of this applies to you.  
 Finally, he asked if that was it.  I had one new mole that was growing in a weird shape and I had promised myself I would ask about it because it isn't very visible.  However, now there I was in a hospital gown in front of this guy wussing out.  Time to man up - or woman up - in this case.  I wasn't going to become some skin cancer statistic because I had been a pansy.  So I did it.  I yanked my drawers off and showed him my new mole, in a place you could never find by just pulling my panties to the side.
Number of strangers who have seen my va-jay-jay today = 2 too many!  (I am thinking the female assistant in the room wasn't a fan of the whole experience either.)   

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